


A Case Of You

by Butterynutjob



Category: X-Men (Movies), X-Men: Days of Future Past (2014) - Fandom, X-Men: First Class (2011) - Fandom
Genre: Based on a song, Canon-Compliant, First Love, M/M, Sad, Timeskips
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-03
Updated: 2015-04-03
Packaged: 2018-03-21 03:01:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,158
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3674970
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Butterynutjob/pseuds/Butterynutjob
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Premise: Charles Xavier's first love was Logan, whom he met before he ever met Erik Lehnsherr.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Case Of You

**Author's Note:**

> Based (closely) on the song A Case Of You by Joni Mitchell. 
> 
> **  
>  _Just before our love got lost you said,_  
>  _“I am as constant as the Northern Star.”_  
>  _And I said,_  
>  _“Constantly in the darkness?_  
>  _Where’s that at? If you want me I’ll be in the bar.”_
> 
> _On the back of a cartoon coaster_   
>  _In the blue TV screen light_   
>  _I drew a map of Canada - oh, Canada…_   
>  _With your face sketched on it twice._
> 
> _Oh, you’re in my blood like holy wine_   
>  _you taste so bitter_   
>  _and so sweet_
> 
> _Oh, I could drink a Case Of You, darlin’_   
>  _And I would still be on my feet,_   
>  _Oh I would still be on my feet._

_A small truck stop motel in upstate New York, Summer, 1956._

“Listen, Charles, I never meant to hurt you.”

“It’s a little late for that, isn’t it?”

Logan sighed and put his head in his heads. They were both naked, still sweaty from the (incredible, addictive) athletic sex they’d just had. Logan liked Charles a lot more than he’d ever wanted or expected to when he’d first met the cheeky flirt in a bar - that day when Charles made him a bet about reading his mind that culminated in Logan getting the best blowjob of his life. 

The months since then had been a roller coaster of joy and terror. Logan had never met anyone like Charles, and not just because he was a telepath...his zest for life, his determined pursuit of Logan even in the face of the Logan’s doubt and laws against men loving other men...the look in his beautiful blue eyes when he came...Logan had pushed Charles away as often as he’d sought him out, though, when the fear of what he was would overwhelm him. He was half-animal, only good for fucking and killing. 

He knew Charles could do better than him.

Logan shook his head. It needed to end. “Charles, please. This - you - we’ve had fun. But I’m no good for anyone, Charles. I’ve done bad things, you’ve heard the nightmares...hell, you’ve more than heard them. I am more than a fucking handful, I’m a truckload full.”

“I love all of you, Logan,” Charles said softly. “I can deal with it. I can deal with you, I assure you. I just need you to be a little more...consistent, towards me.”

Logan closed his eyes. Neither of them had said ‘love’ before and now Logan knew he had to get out. “ _I_ am as constant as the Northern star. I know how I feel about you, and I know we can’t be together.” 

Charles sat up and clung to his back. Logan closed his eyes because he both craved and felt repelled by the physical contact. “Constantly in the darkness,” Charles whispered into his shoulder. “Where’s that at? Is that where you want to be? I can help you, Logan, if you’ll let me.” 

He sat there for a moment, then sighed and kissed Logan’s shoulder one last time. He got up and got dressed. He looked out the window of the cheap motel room they’d rented for their tryst and saw the lights of a local watering hole twinkling. It wasn’t that late, after all. “If you want me, I’ll be at the bar.”

**  
  
Charles sat at the dimly-lit bar, idly waiting for Logan to leave the motel room. He knew he would; he’d seen the resolution in Logan’s mind. Charles tried to be mature about it - they’d only been seeing each a few months, after all - and he tried to tell himself that he was only so captivated by Logan because he was also different, like Charles, a mutant. 

He flipped over the Bugs-Bunny coaster sitting nearby and idly picked up a pencil nearby and found himself drawing the shape of a country that had been on his mind since he’d met Logan, since it was on Logan’s mind a lot too: Canada. Logan wanted and needed to go back there, Charles knew; there was something there he needed to do, although he didn’t think about that enough for Charles to pick it up and he wasn’t inclined to pry (he had hurt people unintentionally in the past, doing that).

The strongest light in the bar was the blue of the television screen, the blue background behind a re-run of the president’s speech about the dangers of communism...Charles snorted and started doodling Logan’s face next to his map of Canada. There were far more dangerous things in the world, in Charles’ opinion, than countries who wanted to share their resources equally. 

Charles heard Logan’s motorcycle roar to life and he finished his drink. Just after Logan drove off Charles went back to the hotel room.

**

_October, 1962._

Charles knew exactly who they were going to see in the bar. He didn’t dare tell Erik - their relationship was too new, and Erik too jealous, for Charles to think that Erik would react well to knowing that one of the mutants Cerebro had spit out the coordinates to was Charles’ first love. 

But Charles did warn Logan, as they were walking into the bar. _Logan. I’m here - we’re here - to recruit you for...well, we’ll tell you about it if you want to hear. But I don’t think you should let my...colleague know that you and I know each other._

Logan stiffened as he heard the door to the bar open. _Why not? Are you fucking him?_

Charles didn’t respond to that, which was all the answer Logan needed. He almost punched the guy when he heard his voice in Logan’s ear saying, almost smugly, “Hello, I’m Erik Lehnsherr.” 

After Charles spoke - Logan couldn’t even look at him - Logan said what he probably would have said even if his ex-boyfriend hadn’t brought his new boyfriend to try and recruit him for some bullshit project: “Go fuck yourselves.”

**

_1973, the mansion in Westchester_

Charles stared at the man in front of him, wondering if he was hallucinating. He did, sometimes. He looked _exactly_ like Logan, more exactly than he should even if he was actually Logan - it had been almost, what, twenty years since they’d last fucked?

But his demeanor - he was significantly more calm and mellow than Charles had ever known him to be, and he said he knew Charles, but he didn’t _know_ , not really...he didn’t look at Charles like someone he’s had sex with. Like someone he’d loved, which he had, even if he’d never said it to Charles...Charles knew, because that was what he did.

Or what he used to do. Charles sat on the step and frowned at this...perfect version of Logan, the Logan Charles had always seen the potential in him to be, and he wondered if he was being rewarded, finally, after everything had gone tits-up with Erik, his legs, Raven, the school…

He laughed harshly and realized that would never happen. A reward, for Charles Xavier? No, his first guess was right; this was a hallucination, a taunt...it couldn’t be real. And then a wonderful, horrible what-if crossed Charles’ mind - if _this_ Logan had been the one Charles had fallen in love with in 1956, they wouldn’t have split up. Charles wouldn’t have fallen for Erik, and wouldn’t have to have had to deal with the disastrous consequences of that...he might still have been a whole, unbroken man; he might have been able to use his telepathy while standing on his own two feet. 

“I think I’d like to wake up now,” Charles said, and went back upstairs to take a larger-than-usual dose of serum.

**Author's Note:**

>   
>  [Listen to me sing the first verse of A Case Of You on tumblr here](http://mc-meow-avoy-fassbender.tumblr.com/post/115417213461/me-singing-the-joni-mitchell-song-on-which-the)   
> 


End file.
